vita moderna

kisses, tears & psychodramas

20.6.06

Θα ανάψει η δάδα και θα καούν τα κάρβουνα

...του τομέα Z. Στη συνέχεια θα ακουστεί ένα τσουφ και παγωνιά θα πέσει στον πλανήτη.

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Πριν από μέρες έλαβα ένα (μαζικό) μέηλ από τον brother Δημήτρη, που είχε προωθηθεί και ξαναματοπροωθηθεί, ως είθισται. Ανάμεσα στους αποδέκτες πρόσεξα και πολλούς φίλους. Δεν μπορεί, θα το λάβατε κι εσείς. Έλεγε τα εξής:

Subject: ΚΥΚΛΟΦΟΡΕΙ ΝΕΟΣ ΙΟΣ - ΔΙΑΒΑΣΤΕ ΠΡΟΣΕΚΤΙΚΑ ΤΟ ΜΗΝΥΜΑ!!!
Τις επόμενες ημέρες θα πρέπει να είστε προσεκτικοί και να μην ανοίξετε
κανένα μήνυμα με τον τίτλο "invitation", ανεξάρτητα με το ποιος το
στέλνει, πρόκειται για ένα ιό ο οποίος "ανάβει" μια ολυμπιακή δάδα που
καίει το σκληρό δίσκο του Pc.

Αυτός ο ιός θα σας σταλεί από ένα άτομο που έχετε ήδη στη λίστα επαφών
σας, για αυτό θα πρέπει να ενημερώσετε όσο το δυνατό περισσότερους. Είναι προτιμότερο να λάβετε αυτό το μήνυμα 25 φορές από το να λάβετε τον ιό και να τον ανοίξετε. Εάν λάβετε μήνυμα με τον τίτλο "invitation" μην το ανοίξετε και κλείστε αμέσως το Pc. Είναι ο χειρότερος ιός που ανακοινώθηκε από το CNN και αξιολογήθηκε από τη Microsoft ως ο πιο καταστροφικός ιός που έχει υπάρξει ποτέ.

Ο συγκεκριμένος ιός ανακαλύφθηκε χθες από το MCAfee και δεν υπάρχει
ακόμα "λύση" για αυτόν. Απλά καταστρέφει τον Τομέα Zero του σκληρού
δίσκου όπου βρίσκονται οι σημαντικότερες πληροφορίες.

Με εκτίμηση
Τσιλιμπ. Σπύρος
ALT. SOFTWARE, Πωλήσεις Περιφέρειας Βορ.Ελλάδος
Υποκατάστημα Θεσ/νίκης, Μ.Καl. 6 546 29 Θεσ/νίκη
τηλ. : +30 2310 59… fax : +30 2310 59…

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Επειδή μου κάνει πάντα εντύπωση η επιλογή ενός ημιλογοτεχνίζοντος ύφους με αρκετό σασπένς και αγωνία από ανθρώπους που δουλεύουν σε εταιρείες πληροφορικής (ξέρεις τώρα, η καρδιά του ορθολογισμού), πώς μου ήρθε λοιπόν και συνέταξα πάραυτα απαντητική επιστολή προς τους ίδιους (φίλους) αποδέκτες:

Apo thas pros apodektes.
Subject: ΠΡΟΣΟΧΗ ΑΥΤΟ ΔΕΝ ΦΤΑΝΕΙ!
Στη συνέχεια πρέπει να πλύνετε καλά τα χέρια σας γιατί ο ιός είναι ύπουλος και εισχωρεί στην επιφανειακή στοιβάδα του δέρματος. Ο Νικόλαος Τ., ασίσταντ μάνατζερ της Ολιβέτι, δεν τα έπλυνε καλά και μετά από μία εβδομάδα άρχισε να του μαραίνεται το πουλί. Η Ελένη Ρ., διευθύντρια πωλήσεων και εγκζέκιουτιβ σέκοντ ασίσταντ νταϊρέκτορ του Λι Μπρούγιερ, τα έπλυνε πλημμελώς με αποτέλεσμα να αρχίσει να έχει πολλά τικ και – το χειρότερο- τακ! Σύντομα έπαθε γλωσσοδέτη και ανέπτυξε στραβισμό.

Αρχικά να θειαφίσετε το χώρο με ειδικό μείγμα που εσωκλείεται επισυναπτόμενο από την μάικροσοφτ κορπορέισον και τους εδώ αντιπροσώπους της kukandfriends EΠΕ. Κλείστε όλα τα προγράμματα που τρέχουν στο δωμάτιο και ελέγξτε μήπως κινείται κανένα εντομάκι ή άλλο ζωύφιο πάνω στο γραφείο. Αυτό είναι καταστροφικό για την υγεία σας γιατί δείχνει ότι έχετε ξεχάσει να καθαρίσετε τον χώρο πάνω από ένα μήνα. Αφού κλείσετε όλα τα μηχανήματα, ανοίξτε διάπλατα όλα τα παράθυρα να μπει η άνοιξη. Σε περίπτωση που αντί για άνοιξη μπει καυσαέριο, κλείστε γρήγορα τα παράθυρα και ανοίξτε το ψυγείο. Φάτε ό,τι βρείτε μπροστά σας για να καρδαμώσετε και να αντιμετωπίσετε τον ιό εκ των ένδον.

Όξω φίδια όξω καλλικάντζαροι φτου μία, όξω τρολ όξω παράνομο λογισμικό φτου δύο, όξω ντέρτια και καϋμοί φτου και βγαίνω. Στείλετε την ευχή μια τρίτη Παρασκευή του Ινδικτιώνος και θέλετε ιδεί μιαν κραταιάν δύναμιν να στηρίζει τα δίκαιά σας. Θα είσαστε άτρωτοι εις όλα τα μικρόβια και θα πετάξετε τα Νόρτον από το παράθυρο.

Παρακαλώ πολύ κύριε και κυρία μην αγνοήσετε την παράκλησιν γιατί θα πάθετε καθίζηση στην πολυκατοικία σας και θα πέσετε σε κινούμενη άμμο καταμεσής στο Σύνταγμα. Θα βγάλετε σπιθούρια που φεύγουν μόνο με τσουκνίδες που φυτρώνουν σε ένα πολύ άγριο μέρος που το ξέρει μόνο ένας πολύ άγριος άνθρωπος που ζει σε μια πολύ άγρια σπηλιά που τη φυλάει ένα πολύ άγριο μαντρόσκυλο που έχει εκπαιδευτεί σε ένα καταπληκτικό μέρος με υπερσύγχρονα μέσα.

ΜΠΟΥΛ- ΝΤΟΓΚ. Εκπαιδεύσεις σκύλων- εισαγωγές καθαρόαιμων, εξουσιοδοτημένοι αντιπρόσωποι BULL-DOG ΑΜΕΡΙΚΗΣ. ΈΔΡΑ: ΠΑΛΛΗΝΗ, Αναπαύσεως 124-Β. Ειδικοί συνεργάται Άλτ. Ελλάς. κος Μπαρμπαγιαννακάκης Μαρικάκης.

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Το θυμήθηκα σήμερα τυχαία και αναρωτήθηκα τι να έγινε, διότι αν εξαιρέσεις τον brother kukuzeli του οποίου δεν ξεφεύγει όχι μέηλ αλλά διαδικτυακή καρφίτσα σε πιξελαχυρώνα, ουδείς άλλος σημείωσε κάποια ελάχιστη αντίδραση. Ένα πετάρισμα βλεφάρου, μίαν ένδειξιν ζωής.

ΕΠΙΜΥΘΙΟΝ:
1. Αν σε βασανίζει κάτι, μην ανοίγεις την καρδιά σου σε άλλους πλην μπλο και μπλου. Δεν διαθέτωμε πλέον φίλους, οϊμέ.
2. Επιστολές του στυλ "χρόνια πολλά αγαπητοί μου" είναι τελειωμένες. Οι πάντες αισθάνονται ότι δεν τους αφορά και δεν πρόκειται να λάβεις κανένα "επίσης, να σαι καλά" (εκτός αν πέσεις στον γνωστό ευγενή kuk- τα είπαμε)
3. Όπως μου εξομολογήθηκαν η Λε και η Λη, μέηλ που λαμβάνουν από τον Κου, τον Δου, τον Θου και τον Που δεν τα ανοίγουν καθόλου. (Εγώ που είμαι Θα μπερδεύομαι με του Θου και πάω καλιά μου.)
4. Τι είναι αυτό το καλιά μου και πώς γράφεται, θα σε γελάσω.
5. Είναι φανερό ότι δεν έχω κάτι να προσθέσω αλλά ποτέ δεν πρέπει να κλείνουμε σε ζυγό αριθμό, είναι κανόνας. Το ίδιο ισχύει για τα τριαντάφυλλα. Προσφέρουμε πάντα τρία ή πέντε ή επτά. Ποτέ παραπάνω γιατί αυτού του είδους η υπερβολή δεν συνάδει με τα συγκρατημένα αισθήματα της εποχής.

6. Ε, ξέρεις τι λέγεται για τους κανόνες.

71 Comments:

At 2:56 PM, Blogger emotional_anaemia said...

Φιλάκι :-x

 
At 3:33 PM, Blogger Taflinel said...

Μάλλον οι μπλ* δεν πτοούνται από τέτοιες απειλές.
Και στάχτη ραδιενεργή να γίνει ο Tomeas Ζήροου,
αυτοί θα βρουν το δρόμο τους προς τη λύτρωση του πόστινγκ.

Καλό απόγεμα, thas...

Υ.γ. Μ' αρέσει που κάνεις τον ανήξερο επί του λεξιλογικού. :P

Την αφορμή εγώ πάντως θα την εκμεταλλευτώ:
"Tα μάτια δεν καλοθωρού' στο μάκρεμα του τόπου,
μα πλιά μακρά και πλιά καλλιά θωρεί η καρδιά του ανθρώπου·
εκείνη βλέπει στα μακρά, και στα κοντά γνωρίζει,
και σ' έναν τόπο βρίσκεται, και σε πολλούς γυρίζει.
Tα μάτια, να'ναι κι ανοιχτά, τη νύκτα δε θωρούσι·
νύκτα και μέρα, τση καρδιάς τα μάτια συντηρούσι.
Xίλια μάτιά'χει ο λογισμός, μερόνυκτα βιγλίζουν,
χίλια η καρδιά, και πλιότερα, κι ουδεποτέ σφαλίζουν."


Υ.γ.2. Όλο brother και brother βλέπω.
Γούστο θα'χει να 'σαι ομόχρωμος του Ντρογκμπά.
(Μπαααααα...)

 
At 3:50 PM, Anonymous pas said...

Παρεμπιπτόντως, ο ιός αυτός δεν υφίσταται (βλ. http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/venc/data/olympic.torch.hoax.html), γεγονός που κάνει ακόμη πιο χαριτωμένη την απαντητική επιστολή.

 
At 6:39 PM, Blogger thas said...

Μα, brother taf, δεν είμαστε όλοι άφρικαν πίπολ; Τέλος πάντων, να μια εναλλακτική ιδέα. Όχι πλέον bro αλλά blother. Καλό απόγευμα.

pas, το φαντάζομαι. Τα περισσότερα είναι ετεροχρονισμένα. Πού να δεις τι γίνεται με τις φιάλες αίματος - ο alombar (νομίζω) τα έχει πει ωραία…

Γεια σου bluether Τίνα!

 
At 6:56 PM, Blogger Ελένη said...

Αχ κύριε Θας μου. Δεν έχει πέραση το εφηβικό χιούμορ, βρε κουτό. :-)Αφού σκέφτομαι να επεξεργαστώ μια μέθοδο ταχύρυθμης εκμάθησης acerbic humor, ξέρετε, ελενίσιο χιούμορ, όπως λέμε σκυλίσιο.

Είπα σκυλίσιο και θυμήθηκα:

Ο Γκούφη στην πετσέτα με σκότωσε.

 
At 1:50 AM, Blogger thas said...

Ε, αφήστε μας να παίξουμε λίγο με τα κουβαδάκια μας τώρα που κάνει καλό καιρό... και από αύριο αρχίζουμε πάλι. Ξέρετε. Εκκρεμότητα, διάψευση & αποδόμηση-διαβήτης (όπως έλεγε μια ψυχή).

Glad you liked Goofy!

 
At 6:36 AM, Blogger mosaic said...

συμφωνώ και επαυξάνω ποιητή θας:τα κουβαδάκια μας να μας κρατάνε συντροφιά πιο πολύ απ τα πισάκια μας.ε?

 
At 7:10 PM, Blogger Ελένη said...

Άϊ νόου,κύριε Θας μου, άϊ νόου. Άντρας και παιδί μαζί... Ένα κουταβάκι που σε κοιτάζει όλο γλύκα και προσμονή...

Κάτι ήθελα να σας πω όμως. Για κάτι άλλο ήρθα. Α ναι!

Αχ κύριε Θας μου, ξέχασα να το πω χθες και απολογούμαι συντετριμμένη γιαυτό. Σας είπα χθες μα τί ωραία που τα λέτε πια;! Όχι δεν θα σας το είπα.

Αχ κύριε Θας μου, τί ωραία που τα λέτε! Με τα κουβαδάκια σας, με όλα σας, είστε μια περίπτωση γλύκα.:-)

Μμμμμμμμμμμμμμμμμμμμουτς (--->το φιλάκι να το δώσετε στον κύριο Κουκουζέλη στην πρώτη ευκαιρία).

 
At 1:47 AM, Blogger thas said...

Ευτυχώς που επανορθώσατε, Ελένη μας! Αυτή τη διατύπωση, αυτό το αχ κύριε Θας μου τι ωραία που τα λέτε, ούτε που το 'χω ξαναματακούσει. Εννοώ τόσο γλυκά, με καταλαβαίνετε. Να περνάτε πρωί-βράδυ, προ κατακλίσεως να μας το λέτε. Για να έχωμε ύπνον ελαφρύ και συνείδησιν άτυπτον.

Ζμπρώτ ευκαιρία θαντδώκ.

 
At 3:01 AM, Blogger 0 Comments said...

Kotzaman μαντράχαλοι-ισες τσατ το κάνατε εδώ μέσα!

 
At 12:39 AM, Blogger lemon said...

Ax Thas μας, αχ!
(σμούτς!)

 
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